The stuggle is real when your a married mother of soon to be 3...
You fight so much for love, family and home, only to realize after 4 years of marriage you have lost the honeymoon part of love. Love comes and goes so fast...but when you find that someone you love and devote every second making them realize how much you love and care for them only to be met with words and never an action unless forced... its time to realize, something is wrong.
Ive fought so hard in my young life to keep and hold love but it always ends the same.. and your left with this hole... a giant hole, why me?? why am i never good enough?? It starts with your child hood.. broken family, told your never enough and their pain is because of you.. you burry the pain so deep you think its gone, But SURPRISE you are met with pain on every corner and soon all you know is suffering.. it cripples you for awhile, but for some reason you wear a mask so well no one knows and you go.
Once long ago i felt i was done with this life, the pain had been too much for too long, yes i wore a mask, a good mask,no one knew or understood, but my mind had setteled and was safe and happy with the decision to go, i was happy for once in my life, so i waited for that momment when i wouldnt be a burden to those i loved. WELL fate had to play a nasty joke on me and decided to bless me with pregnancy. It was the worst and best thing fate could have done, my baby gave me a reason to keep going, the problem is once your mind is set, its set, its at peace with itself and the world never looks as bright, you body and soul is sick and craves the one thing you cant have because you love someone more than you love yourself. The world is funny this way! so here i am 8 years later, about to have baby #3 ,2nd with my husband who i thought might just be strong enough to help me realize this life is something i want to live..but today i realized how wrong i was and here i am helpless still stuck living a life that my soul no longer craves, i havnt wanted in so long and im not sure how to change that, Meds?? been their, taken everyone in the book more times than i can count..talking to someone wont help, theyll all blame it on the pregnancy, when all it does is bring out what im feeling and keeps me from hiding it. I wish For once I could find someone out their that understands the pain and dailing struggle i face ever single day im still here, how do you fix a soul thats already moved on?
